What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:07
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What ended your relationship with your best friend?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot live in the past .
Is anyone else losing complete respect for the US at this point?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Can you share the entire summary of your spiritual life?
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She married twice! .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why did i forgive my father ?
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I will be 64.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was 9 years of age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was scared of men, in general
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ive learnt so much.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i lived it daily.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was seconnd youngest,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is soul school!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He knew the spot.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.